Critique & Review

This is in response to A Small Descriptive Challenge. I did three pieces, but I'm only posting the 2nd.

Untitled

The white sand slipped through Jeremy's fingers. As it moved through the gaps, the shape shifting dunes on the palm of his hand whithered away until there was nothing left. He grabbed another palmful and again stared as it fell towards the soft beach.

The blue waves were also falling but this time towards itself as each front hurried up the sand bank. Pushing the odd shell against it's wishes, the incessant water kept creeping up closer and closer towards Jeremy's toes. The sun, as much white as it was yellow, stared down upon him, not judging, just saying 'hi', much to Jeremy's relief.

This is what Jeremy felt his life was at the moment. Some areas of misjudgement and misdemeanour collapsing in on itself, but a few bright lights ready to push him forward again and bring him back to the happiness he had known before. Fearing the worst, he had come to this beach to get away from his troubles but all he had done was think about what had happened. Having nothing else to do but lie in the extreme heat made his mind churn over and over. His attempt to think of other things failed and instead, all he could see was that there was no way out.

If I go home, no-one will know me. If I stay here, no-one will miss me. If I die, no one will care.

The cold water forced Jeremy to retract his legs but more importantly, pulled him out of his self-obsessed and morbid state. The realisation that his life was still ahead of him despite the fact that he had lost all his family, forced him to sit up, wake up and face up to his new reality. It was going to be hard, but like the elements around him, hope was eternally plentiful.

Andrew Chilton - http://kapiti.geek.nz/

Andy, I can't say that I like this all that much. It sounds too much like you were trying to come up with analogies and metaphors instead of letting it flow.

I liked the other stuff you've written more, which currently amounts only to the first few pages of "Casey Hill" and your "comedy in a day".

This doesn't feel like your voice to me.

Travis.
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http://cottreau.blogspot.com
http://cottreaureviews.blogspot.com/

I guess it was a challenge to myself as well as a challenge in general. As for analogies and metaphors, it was for a Descriptive Challenge ;-)

I must admit, I like it, though I suppose the dark undertones isn't what I'd usually write which is more lighthearted and silly.

Certainly says to me that I'll need to do some sort of light story for SoCNoC anyways.

Andrew Chilton - http://kapiti.geek.nz/

It makes sense to try new things... Anything to make you a better author. I'm hoping for an epiphany sometime before June and I'll write pure, polished prose in my first draft!

Travis.
--
http://cottreau.blogspot.com
http://cottreaureviews.blogspot.com/