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"A Koopaling's Revenge"
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tazar-yootJoined: 31 May 2007 19:54:05 Posts: 14 |
http://community.livejournal.com/fauna_warriors/715.html
Chapter 1 of my project is up and I'd like to get some crits. Warning! It has adult material though hopefully not too explicit ^^; 01 Jun 2007 18:28:51 ![[progkiwi:socnoc-2007:tazar-yoot.png]](http://kiwiwriters.org/d/challenge/site/progkiwi:socnoc-2007:tazar-yoot.png "http://kiwiwriters.org/d/challenge/site/progkiwi:socnoc-2007:tazar-yoot.png")
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cottreau Joined: 22 Dec 2006 00:32:22 Posts: 567 |
Don't find it too explicit. It's nasty stuff, but not too harsh.
Well written and it flows well and I like the pacing. My main complaint is that it is a mario brothers world, which is, by its very nature, for children and some of the names are silly. I find it quite easy to ignore though, so not a biggy there. There was a continuity error, from "who was by then too despondent and tired to struggle." forward, since after that point, she screamed and also struggled some more. I think overall, you could improve the writing by doing a little more showing, rather than telling. Take a look at the Robert Sawyer's essay on show, don't tell. 01 Jun 2007 19:24:33 |
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tazar-yoot Joined: 31 May 2007 19:54:05 Posts: 14 |
Ah thank you! Me likes the crit and will fix the error :D
And thank you for the link ^^ 01 Jun 2007 19:50:27
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cottreau Joined: 22 Dec 2006 00:32:22 Posts: 567 |
My pleasure. Happy to help.
01 Jun 2007 20:43:31 |
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tazar-yoot Joined: 31 May 2007 19:54:05 Posts: 14 |
Chapter 2 is up and I will be calculating the words soon.
http://community.livejournal.com/fauna_warriors/989.html#cutid1 Has some racy material, some of which I don't quite agree with, but the characters are kinda taking on a life of their own so I'm not quite in control here XD 02 Jun 2007 20:35:37
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