Critique & Review

So, yeah. I was so bored at school yesterday, as I am today, so I just wrote this.

And the only reason I post it here is because I know it's crappy. The "ending" didn't go where I wanted it to.

.....................................................................................

You watch as she walks to the edge of the balcony, a full sixty feet above the stone steps before the grand entrance.

"No," you whisper, seeing from your perch on the roof the longing of her look at the steps below. "Don't do it." But you are powerless because you do not want her to hear, even if she could over the howling wind.

A man comes out, calls her name. She turns, maybe too quickly. "Oh," you see her lips form, "it's you."

He beckons her to come in. She looks again toward the steps with longing, but at last she turns and takes his hand, follows him in.

You jump onto the landing, walk to the center of the balcony and watch her as the man leads her away, laughing.


You jump awake. Too bad it wasn't that way, the way in the dream. Not only had she jumped at the sight of the man, she had turned around and sighted him on the roof, where he was sure he would never be found.

That is when she brought out her hidden dagger, and then stabbed herself in the chest, making sure she would fall to the steps below.

The man that beckoned her in the dream did not reach her in time.

And you have the image of her falling over the balcony wall with a dagger in her bleeding chest permanently engraved in your mind.

Not to mention you lost your best friend, the man in the dream, because it was said you were the one who drove her to do it.

But you didn't do it. He did. But you didn't have the heart to tell him.

To tell him he murdered his own newlywed.

~Jessi~
Blessed Be

Wow bluwaterbabe99, that's rather sinister. Very dark and I guess it shows the type of mood you were in when you wrote it.

I enjoyed it though - it's really intense reading something that short. I reckon it was 291 words. Short and not-so-sweet!

Andrew Chilton - http://kapiti.geek.nz/

Yes it was intense. I was thinking oh, good she didn't jump. Then oh no the dream sequence, and she did. He must have been a b**sted. :)

Is it still hot over there bluwaterbabe?

http://gay_belle.livejournal.com

The Zing Thing: "The Makeover."

'Southern Scriber.'

At first, gaye-belle, I thought you were talking about my crappy writing, but no, it's not hot anymore. It's rainy. Rainyrainyrainy.

But yeah...I guess I just thought it was crap because I couldn't go on from there. So it will just be added to a bunch of other stories that I won't be able to finish.

~Jessi~
Blessed Be

It would be a good piece to fit into another story. A lead up to it, what caused this to happen, who was this man, what happened after that? :)

http://gay_belle.livejournal.com

The Zing Thing: "The Makeover."

'Southern Scriber.'

It is quiet a nice short piece that does start the reader wondering what happened, who they were, etc.

No Excuses. Just Write.

I thought I would join you bluewaterbabe, and write some crappy trash, just 'cause I feel like it!

It's called, "Shall I Grow a Moustache?"

I have often wondered how I would look with a moustache.
Sometimes I have the beginnings of one, but shave it off before it is too noticeable by others.
They may laugh, or snigger behind my back, I mean it's my choice if I want to, and I am sure I can.
I mean I wouldn't go to the extreme and create a handle-bar type, and wax it, or let it droop below the mouth, just nice and natural.
None of my friends have one, but that doesn't mean I want to start a trend or anything, and expect them to. Nor do I want to stand out just to be different.
There must be a reason for facial hair otherwise why does it grow there?
I don't know really, if one of my friends grew one I wouldn't laugh or criticise, but then I was shopping at a big store the other day, and the young person that served me sported one.
I walked out the store with my purchase, sniggered to myself, and thought in an incredulous way, "that Woman had a moustache.!!"

http://gay_belle.livejournal.com

The Zing Thing: "The Makeover."

'Southern Scriber.'

Lol, gaye-belle. That's a great little snippet of life!

No Excuses. Just Write.

That's a funny one. Until you look around and see that it's true. I just hope that when I look in the mirror someday that I won't see one growing under my nose.

~Jessi~
Blessed Be

he he you wait until you get to post menopause stage. :)

http://gay_belle.livejournal.com

The Zing Thing: "The Makeover."

'Southern Scriber.'