Critique & Review

I'm doing the Preliminary Projects for Nano-ites challenge. I'm having quite a bit of fun with it so far, it warming up my fingers and getting me to start thinking about the world of my story. I'm intentionally using characters in my Flash Fictions that I don't plan to put in my novel so that I'm not tempted to cheat, hehe.

Here is the first completely 1000 words for the challenge. More like part one. I'm going to use the next 1000 words to finish this little plot. I just felt like sharing it. I'd love to hear what you think.

"Respectable Position"

Sara had never read a help wanted add quite like the one she saw before her at that moment. The headline read: �Wanted: Healthy Virgin Woman.” She had to read it twice to make sure she was not imagining it. “Must be between the ages of 21 and 30. Must not smoke or drink. Drug test will be mandatory. Salary: $3000/month plus benefits. Housing provided. Respectable Position.” The ad ended with a phone number and the name “Amanda.”

“Is this a joke?” Sara could not help but laugh out loud. She read over the post again. If it were not for the “Respectable Position” part she would have thought that it was a request for a prostitute. Then again, she had never heard of anyone asking a whore to take a drug test before doing “business.” And then there was the fact that the contact name was a woman’s. Her curiosity was peeked. These days not many people would fit the job description “Virgin, ages 21 to 30” but it just so happened that Sara, age twenty-three, had not been in any sort of serious relationship since high school and had long ago chosen not to give herself away to just anyone. Unfortunately, that special someone had not yet presented himself to her. Maybe in this case that was a good thing. She could not imagine exactly what sort of position they were trying to fill, but she really needed money and what this ad was offering sounded too good to be true. She circled the ad and wrote the number, along with the name Amanda, down on her napkin. She folded up her newspaper and left the coffee shop.

It was raining. Pathetically unaided by an umbrella, Sara held the newspaper over he head and ran to the phone booth on the street corner. She closed herself in and stood there a moment staring at the phone, listening to the rain pitter-pat on the glass roof.

“This is crazy.” She sighed to herself as she pulled out her minutes card and the number on the napkin. She picked up the phone and slid her card into the slot. An automated voice squawked out “You have 13 minutes remaining. Please dial now.” Sara hesitated a little too long, the message replayed. She sighed and punched in the number. The phone rang four times. She checked the number, wondering if she had dialed it wrong. The line picked up on the other end.

“Hello, this is Amanda,” a warm yet serious voice answered.

“Um, yes, my name is Sara Roe. I’m responding to the help wanted ad placed in the newspaper.”

“Yes, Miss Roe, it great to hear from you. I am Amanda Brown, I am the recruiter for this operation. What can I tell you about this position?”

“Well, for starters you could tell me exactly what the position is? The ad didn’t clearly say.”

“Unfortunately, I can not discus all the details over the phone. I can tell you that the organization I represent is interested in the advancement of scientific research for the benefit of mankind.”

“Wait, so is the job for some sort of guinea pig position? Will I be the focus of scientific research?”

“No, Miss Roe, you would be a key element in our research but no tests will be preformed on you, aside from already established and excepted medical examinations. As the ad stated you will be compensated with a salary of $3000 per month for a span of about 10 months. That’s a total of $30,000, Miss Roe.” The woman paused for a moment, seemingly allowing that realization to sink in. She continued on, “You would also be provided with your own apartment and transportation if necessary, as well as health benefits. You will also be provided with financial aid if you wish to attend college classes at a local university, either now or in the future.”

Sara’s jaw literally dropped, “Uh, wow, that sounds great…” She bottled her enthusiasm, “What’s the catch? This sounds too good to be true.”

“There is no catch, Miss Roe, these are all the benefits of the job.”

“Well now this makes me sort of suspicious of the job.” She could not help but laugh a little.

“Like I said before, Miss Roe, I can not discus all of the details over the phone. If you are interested in the position then we can meet right away if you would like. You have no obligation to accept the position. We can just talk about it and then you can make your decision.”

Sara hesitated. She just had to clarify one more thing, “It is a respectable job, right? Like what the ad said. I’m not going to have to hide anything about what I do from anyone, will I?”

“It will be nothing to be ashamed of at all. Although there will be aspects of the position that will need to stay confidential, your role will not be hidden. You have no need to worry. We are not trying to harm or exploit anyone, Miss Roe.”

Sara sighed deeply. She ran her hand through her damp hair. The intensity of the rain outside was beginning to lessen. “Well, what do I have to loose?”

“Nothing at all, Miss Roe. I guarantee that you have a whole lot more to gain.”

“Okay, I’m interested. What do I need to do?”

“Do you have the rest of the afternoon off?”

“Yes.”

“Tell me where you are, I’ll send a cab to come pick you up.”

“Okay, right now I’m at the corner of 5th and Walker. Thank you Ms. Brown.”

“Call me Amanda.”

“Call me Sara.”

“I’ll see you soon, Sara.” The line went dead.

Sara hung up the phone. A strange excitement began to grow inside her. An involuntary smile spread across her lips. She adjusted the heavy backpack that rested on her shoulders, which contained the sum of all her possessions. For the first time in months she felt like there might be a slight glimmer of hope. She stepped out from under the shelter of the phone booth. It was still raining.

Oh I really want to know more!! lol sounds intriguing.

http://vyanae.blogspot.com/

I'll probably work on the second part tomorrow. I'm glad you like it so far. :D

That is amazing! I want to know more!

I was working on the proof of one of my poems all the morning, and took out a comma. In the afternoon I put if back again.
-Oscar Wilde-

Intrigued was my word too. You write human interest stuff similar to how I write.
I like the way you put this piece. "It was raining. Pathetically unaided by an umbrella...."
People do look pathetic getting saturated. :) More please.

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The Zing Thing: "The Makeover."

'Southern Scriber.'

You wrote "peeked" instead of "piqued." That's the only mistake I noticed, but I am pretty worn out. Better run-through another day.

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Oh, thanks Opheila-Stornoway, I was tired last night when I was proof reading this, I didn't catch that one. I'm glad all of you are interested in my story. I'll do my best to finish the second part up in the next couple days.

Oh my, Sara may seem like a nice girl but I tell you, she is manipulative! I'm not sure how, but SOME HOW Sara has convinced me that my NaNo novel will be a disaster if I don't make her a solid character in it. She refuses to be a character that gets lost in back story. Not only that, she's trying to convince me to dedicate the entire first part to her. Can you believe that?!? Man, I'm a sucker. I think she has won.

Sadly this means that I won't be able to share anymore of Sara's story until November. And now I have to decided what to do with this segment... I like it too much to NOT put it in my Novel, but that would be cheating on NaNo. I could use your advice on that end of things. Here is another thread I started on the topic ---> http://www.kiwiwriters.org/my/forum/help-help/373.html?p=1

Thanks Everyone,

I'll be sure to share more of Sara's story once NaNo starts.

~Jester~

Very nice. I can guess what the position will be; virgin? about 10 months? Snerk!

I expect she'll be fighting to be included in the 'experiment' well beyond that 10 months!

My own minor quibble, add in the first line needs to be ad.

maggenpye -
"He's not my dad, he's just my father - big difference."

I love how she's happier at the end but 'It was still raining'. He he.

I spotted 'excepted' instead of 'accepted' and 'loose' instead of 'lose'.

No Excuses. Just Write.

Oops, thanks for pointing those mistakes out. Homonyms have always been my weak point.