Critique & Review

Sorry this is so long, but it is part of the novel that I am/was writing for NaNo. And I have a couple different versions of the beginnig.

There is a comedy to every
tragedy- a kind of twisted humor to every man�s downfall. Yep, I guess that pretty much sums everything up, but you have to hear the story first to understand. So, let me begin, and warn, that in certain places, I have very strong feeling and may go on ranting for pages. In some places I have more memory than others. Consider yourself warned…

What is the definition of a team? What is the definition of a group? The eight of us, including our coach, were somewhere in the middle, stranded, the guys wanting to go one way and we girls wanted to go the other, the opposite.
To start off on this adventure, one must know the team from the beginning:

Brandt- (Commonly called “Butthead Numero Uno” by us girls.) He was a jerk; he didn’t, and wouldn’t, work with any girl for any reason. He would not take our advice or listen to what we would say. It is my belief that he thought that we were inferior. I know that he hated us all, especially with a deep hate for me and our coach, Mrs. Dawn, from day one.

Lassiter- (His nickname was Butthead Number Two.) He didn’t much care about anything; he was only along for the ride. However, I think that he may have had a soft spot for Renee. I also called him Lassie, when he and no one else other than Renee or Anne-Lise were around, of course.

Brennan- (He was only one-half of a butthead.) He was in between helping us girls and shunning us from his circle. He cared about us girls, a little, but he wanted to look cool to his friends.

Michel- (We called him the girly-man, no offense.) Yes, I know, you think that his name should have an “a” to turn it into “Michael,” but that is untrue. Most people at school did know him as “Michael,” but we on the team knew him by a French name, his given name, pronounced Me-shell. He was the undecided part of the team. He didn’t really side with us girls, but he didn’t really side with the boys, either.

Renee- She was the verbose one. She had a large vocabulary and she loved to use it whenever she could. However, I found out that there was actually something that could make her absolutely speechless and compulsively eating Mike and Ike’s.

Anne-lise- She was dubbed Little Miss London. During the World Finals trip, we missed her a great deal; she was in London during the whole time that we were in Michigan.

Mrs. Dawn- She was our head coach. She supported us in everything that we did, most of the time. She was there even though she didn’t have to be, even though she was sick with chemo therapy and cancer. However, things did not go as well as she had planned.

Joelle- Me. Yes, I am telling you the story. It’s a sad, tragic, very humorous story. Here’s a little bit about me: I’m fifteen. Now, I’m a sophomore in high school, and then I was a freshman. I’m short; I get mad very easily, however, I can keep it under control and not show it. But then people wonder why I snap. And, to top it all off, I have this black humor. Get used to it…

I was working on the proof of one of my poems all the morning, and took out a comma. In the afternoon I put if back again.
-Oscar Wilde-

Or there is Version #2. Which do you like better?

We were a team. We were a divided team. We had barely gotten past the state competition with our dignity intact, but we had also only been competing against one other team. In the competition that we were in, we went to State. From State we went to the World Finals. We thought that we had improved, if only because we had a better script. However, I found that you never really know your team, until you travel with them. Believe me, sixteen hours on a bus will show you the truth about a person�
To start off on this adventure, one must know the team from the beginning:

Brandt- Every team has to have a major butthead, right?

Lassiter- He was just along for the ride.

Brennan- He was dedicated to the team, and us winning, until we got to Michigan.

Michel- The girly-man of the team...

Renee- What a talker.

Anne-lise- Even though she was a big part of the team, she was not there when we needed her.

Mrs. Dawn- Say hello to our head coach.

Joelle- Guess who is telling you the story. I'm serious, just guess.

I was working on the proof of one of my poems all the morning, and took out a comma. In the afternoon I put if back again.
-Oscar Wilde-

I like version 2, myself, the description of the characters can take form in the story.
Version 1 gives too much away at the start.
But then I am not an expert.

He he, you Joelle sound like me, short, with a short fuse if provoked too far, with a 'weird sense of humour.'

http://gay_belle.livejournal.com

The Zing Thing: "The Makeover."

'Southern Scriber.'

I get the sense of humor from my dad. The short fuse is a mixture of my mom and dad.
And thank you, I have one person who likes version 2. I have one person who likes version 1. I also have one person who hates them both.
Once again, thank you.

I was working on the proof of one of my poems all the morning, and took out a comma. In the afternoon I put if back again.
-Oscar Wilde-

A lot may depend on the age of the reader too Joelle. Is your story genre teen or young adult?
The language style would be different to what I read.
In saying this my Nano Characters were mostly around 19-21yrs with some a little older, and one a lot older which was me in my story. The language varied with each group. :)

http://gay_belle.livejournal.com

The Zing Thing: "The Makeover."

'Southern Scriber.'

My characters are all teens because, well, they are based on real people. I am also one of them. I think part of it is because a few of the people who have liked the first beginning were actually there when it happened...
The language that everyone uses in my story varies whether they are boy or girl and what team they were on because of everyone's personality. The coaches, who were a lot older, talked a tad differently, but they're fun and liked to fit in with us and be cool, so...yeah.
The genre is more satire and comedy.

I was working on the proof of one of my poems all the morning, and took out a comma. In the afternoon I put if back again.
-Oscar Wilde-

It's interesting though isn't it and important, applying the right language?
My story too is based on real students, some just left school. Some older, and me about three times their age. My brother and sister-in-law (in their 70's) were in it too. My brother still insisted on watching the cricket on TV even though some students were sleeping in the lounge overnight, His wife chiding him for it.
Nothing absolutely nothing will change my brother's routine. Fortunately we all liked and watched the one day cricket with him, and drank his whiskey. He enjoyed it too, as his wife doesn't like watching sport.
It will be interesting hearing his reaction when he reads it, to see how I perceive him.

http://gay_belle.livejournal.com

The Zing Thing: "The Makeover."

'Southern Scriber.'

It is funny, how we percieve a character's age from the way they talk. I found that it is also based on how the characters grew up, before the story or not, and where they are from.

I was working on the proof of one of my poems all the morning, and took out a comma. In the afternoon I put if back again.
-Oscar Wilde-